Archbishop Beardmouth At The ChemOlympics

Now and then, a recording in my inbox or my favourite record store stops me in my tracks and elicits a “What the #&@%” from me. That happened to me on April Fools Day this year. At first, I thought the promotions people were pulling an April Fools prank at my expense. Not so. It was the real deal.

The first thing that gave me pause was the title of this recording, Archbishop Beardmouth At The ChemOlympics. That has to be a prank with a mouthful like that. Not so. That is the name of the EP and its lead track.

The second thing that pulled me up short and caused me to question the legitimacy of this recording was the name of track three, Picadors with Auntie Joan. Track four, Ballytransnational with Da and Esther. Track five, There Goes Waterface with Mrs. Hegarty. Come on. This EP can’t be the real deal. It must be playing me the fool.

Nope, nope and note some more. Those are the actual track names, and the release is the newest EP from one of my favourite new bands, Telefis. Archbishop Beardmouth At The ChemOlympics will be the sixth blog about Telefis and their music that I have posted since November of 2021, so they must be doing something special to garner that much praise from this grumpy old fart.

If you have been counting along with me, you may have noticed that I didn’t mention track two. Archbishop Beardmouth (Thomas Leer Version) is the longest track on this EP and arguably a fan favourite with its dance/trance beats. It takes the most excellent track of this EP and ramps it up to 11 on the volume knob.

There is one more thing to this EP that caused me to investigate further what the #&@% is going on: the cover photo of this EP. See below.

There is still a one-upmanship thing around Telefis; in my opinion, the only thing better than this EP is the full album ‘a hAon‘, released by Dimple Discs on March 4, 2022. At this point in the blog, I will hand the keyboard over to Telefis and let them expand on Archbishop Beardmouth At The ChemOlympics. I should also mention that Telefis is a collaboration between Garret ‘Jacknife’ Lee, Cathal Coughlan and Thomas Leer. It is Thomas Leer that put the beats in Archbishop Beardmouth (Thomas Leer Version. I imagine you figured that out on your own.

On the theme of the song Cathal Coughlan offers this vignette….” Archbishop Beardmouth visits the ChemOlympics, in his full Byzantine-Slavic magnificence, the giant torso-curtain of hair announcing him. He is very gratified by what he sees. Gone are the mandatory drugs tests and geopolitical skirmishes of yore, and instead has come immaculate, chemically-enhanced performance. There’s only the occasional moment when the live camera feed has to be cut in order to enable the re-reading of the script and perhaps the replacement of a competitor. At these times, His Eminence loses interest in the spectacle and becomes aware of the obsequious ravings of a young man seated below him, who points at a laptop screen full of animated bodies – devised, the young man says, by a special form of artificial intelligence. The youth tries to interest the prelate in buying into the “cryptocurrency,” which will fund the growth of this technology, which is named “COPD-coin.” The young man explains that he named it this way because it represents a shock to the international order. His Eminence appears irked by this and begins to grill the young man, “You wish to destabilize your own Motherland in this way? And you dare to approach the Lord God’s representative with this treason?” “No, no, Eminence,” the young man remonstrates, “It shall be prevented from trading in the Motherland. Only in the sinful and subhuman parts of the world will it be allowed to operate. Because those people are stupid and decadent.” The Archbishop raises an eyebrow and leans forward. “Well then, how much money do you need to raise from this scheme?” Later, at the big reception for the dignitaries, there are home movie screenings. On the screen, we see vintage images of Ireland’s famed one-time Orthodox Jansenist Papal ruler, Archbishop John Charles McQuaid (sometimes depicted in the company of his earthly proxy, Éamon de Valera). He parades through a life of saintly self-love (since unfairly besmirched by individuals unfit to have breathed the same air as His Lordship) – from long-con shrine, to concrete basilica, to institution of pious incarceration. It could be said that we shall not see his like again – but let’s give it a go. Viva crypto!”

Bandcamp ep


‘Archbishop Beardmouth At The ChemOlympics’ ‘Archbishop Beardmouth At The ChemOlympics (Thomas Leer Remix)’

 ‘a hAon’ LP order (CD and Vinyl)

 ‘a hAon’ LP order (download)

 U.S. album order 

Keep up with Telefís https://telefis.bandcamp.com

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1 thought on “Archbishop Beardmouth At The ChemOlympics

  1. Pingback: 2022 In The Rearview Mirror | Weathered Music

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